Forty Three

  The Loc and Qui hypothesis                                                                                           

The complete meaninglessness of time^{1 2}

For various reasons, I dusted down the trusty³ PowerBook, and noticed that the last issue that I wrote on it was over a year ago. Come to think of it, the last issue I wrote on the other machine was some time ago. This long delay has been due to a number of factors, not least of which was carefully jotting down some pithy notes, based on my observations of the unusual and interesting. Having accumulated a reasonable set of notes, I then cleverly managed to lose them every time I thought about writing, and finding them again when I couldn't summon up the energy. That took care of most of the intervening months. The rest was just... well, other things. Christmas has well and truly passed, as has New Year. With a bit of luck and a following wind, this may even be finished by Easter ⁴Still, Albacon  has finally prompted me to dust down this edition...

Weird Weather

Fandom has always been able to provide the interesting and unusual aspects of life. This is as things should be, otherwise we'd all be a bunch of mundanes. Conventions were times when the real world could be safely ignored, as it rarely did anything interesting or unusual^{5 6} The case has been proved already. After a fairly short sojourn in the bar (always the best place to gather the real pulse of the convention), I found Charlie Stross, wielding a superb piece of portable technology with a battery life of, oh , a couple of centuries⁷ . That isn't the weird and interesting bit (except for the real techno-nerds). What was  interesting was the story being written on it. It starts with it raining telephones... 'Nuff said. I've been out of the loop for way too long.

Plokta  continues to keep me informed of what is happening in fandom ⁸ , and, in an amazing conjunction of events, the latest issue arrived, and showed off Pat McMurray in a whole new light just before Albacon started. For those who haven't seen it, the faux pas by Dave Power was chillingly prophetic ⁹ . Pat didn't mind the publicity shot, but felt that the cartoon dress up doll was a bit much "I mean, I'd never let my underwear get into such a state..." ¹⁰

¹ Start with a simple word. Add a bit. and another, and then another, until it collapses into a pit of silliness, like the following exchange fromtwo spin-doctors trying to act in concert. "We must have purpose" "We must not be purposeless" "We must have purposelessness". This is, of course, totally irrelevant, but that's life.

2 _{"I feel like a bar of soap" "Well, that's life, boy"}
3 _{= venerable in computer terms. If dog-years are meant to be seven years long, then what does that make computer years? For the}technologically minded, the average lifespan of any computer is about five years (less if the marketing men had their way). Equating this to the average human lifespan, dividing by several, applying a couple of fudge factors (and a few other confectionery terms) before writing it all down on a paper napkin gives an answer. Let's call it "X". Let's not; it will only cause more confusion. Oh, all right then, for every day you sit and think, your computer is busy having a fortnight's holiday, the silicon equivalent of sunning yourself on a tropical beach. So the next time you wonder why everything seems to take so long, then just remember that your PC is in deep "manaña" syndrome, and putting down that cocktail with the umbrella in it is just so... tiresome. Like chill man. I'll run that program when the surf goes down.

4 _{2004, that is! Still, at least I can be smug in the knowledge that my hardware will still keep ticking on beyond the year 2000.}

5 _{One exception to this was when April fool's day coincided with the Easter convention. The newspapers tried to come up with their version}of interesting and unusual (and made up) stories, but they were sadly not a patch on such classics as "San Serif", as they were not just plausible, they were only too likely. One such featured the "politically correct" word processor, which would replace certain phrases with a more acceptable newspeak alternative. Not so funny really, as a certain large and well known software house is already doing this, albeit in reverse.
6 _{For the terminally curious, checking the spelling of 'zzzz', the comic speak for sleeping (at least in Britain), reveals something that normally}precludes sleeping. Sex.
7 _{compared with this one, which has an unlimited battery life, provided I don't use it...}
8 _{sorry, Ansible . But there's news, and news ...}
9 _{"Dave, you need to speak to Pat McMurray about that" "Oh? I Haven't seen her yet..."}
The last time that Pat's wife looked, he was definitely male. Probably hasn't seen the photographs yet though...
10 _{This cross gender stereotyping in fandom seems to be spreading. Some innocent once wondered "who is that Chris Bell bloke} anyway?"

In the global scheme of things, there have been a number of films that have been released. Despite the weans ¹¹ , we even managed to see some of them, but then you probably aren't interested in a review of Starship Troopers , as it is pretty old hat by now. On the other hand, the X-Files  is worth a look ^{12 13} . In a similar vein, the truth is definitely out there, whereas lies are everywhere. For example, conventional wisdom ¹⁴ claims that water always swirls down the plug hole in the same direction, depending on the hemisphere that you happen to be living in. This is a useful diversion for anyone who can't be bothered to check it out, but, if you actually care to look at a sink, then you'll see that this statement is complete and utter tosh. The water swirls down the plug hole in the direction it feels like it. Some days it's clockwise, and some days it isn't. Don't let any physicists baffle you with their mumbo-jumbo words like "coriolis" or "rotation", , because it's nothing like that at all¹⁵ .

Newsletter Convention Not The ¹⁶

One of the best things about any convention is the bar. Or, more accurately, the people you meet in the bar. In many cases, a quick flick through the programme guide shows allows items to be categorised into "Must see", "worth a look" and "not worth getting out of the bar for". When things are going really well, the first category becomes "Another one I've missed", while the second is "does reading about it in the programme guide count as a look". Indeed, the truly great conventions are ones where the
programme is something that happens to other people. So, on that score, Albacon is rubbish. I mean, how could anyone possibly conceive of having programme items that were so must see that the bar would empty¹⁷ .
Take the William Shatner Sisters(aka Phil Raines and cronies. In a series of skits, they explored the very fabric of SF reality, collecting such gems along the way as Blade Runner Tubbies , the evil offspring of Harrison Ford and Tinky-winky; Reservoir Scoobys , and not forgetting a rendition of Lennon and McCartney's Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds  that will astonish all those who don't collect such gems as William Shatner's records.
Also worth an honourable mention are the Asimov limericks, the Skippy skiffy slash¹⁸ and the Star Trek / South Park  collaboration ^{19 20 21} .
As if that was not all, any thoughts of slipping out for a large meal will be dashed by the prospect of missing Professor Salthouse trying to demolish the Central Hotel (again)²² . And then there's the Ceilidh...
Still, on the rare 'between the events' chances to get back to the bar, KIM Campbell demonstrated the best way to keep yourPringles^TM  safe, which involves a parrot puppet, and an action that is probably outlawed in several countries ²³

If the Kids are United²⁴

Way back in the distant past, some disgruntled fan came up with two statements about the state of fandom. The first was "why is there no new blood in fandom?"25 26 . Fen have acted on this, and have been busy procreating like mad. What is even stranger is the number who have brought their most junior members to the convention, like Harry and Omega 2728 . What goes totally beyond strange, and into the realms of Fortean TV  29 , is the feeling that everyone else's children and infants have been far less restless than either of ours would be. No doubt Mulder and Sculley will be on the case 30

Space precludes me mentioning the really  Fortean type TV I found. details next time.

12 Instant film review. Just add popcorn: Mulder and Sculley travel around more than James Bond to discover that the conspiracy theories aren't, in fact, theories. A passing homage to Star Wars , with the name of Luke Skywalker's planet being used as a location.

13 Steve Glover was another one who stayed to the end of the credits, hoping to find out whether Al Tatooine really was in Tunisia, and hence proving where George Lucas got his names from. However, it turns out that practically none of the film was actually shot on location.

14 This has nothing at all to do with any wise words being spoken at the convention. Maybe.

15 Hmm. this could start sounding just a bit too much like part of an extended Gaia hypothesis, where, like, the world has feelings too, you know, and, hey man, doncha just love it when the clouds go that swirly way...

16 rearrange the words into a well known phrase or saying. The last time I was at an Albacon, I was mistaken for the official newsletter bod. Tain't true. I only did the newsletter once, and I got over it. I mean, I could give up any time I like. Oh all right then, just a little one...

17 and this is Glasgow, don't forget, where people take such things very seriously

18 believe me, it really  is better not knowing such things

19 except that Kenny didn't get killed, so it can't have been real South Park...

20 What do you mean, you've never watched Teletubbies  or South Park ? What are you, some kind of recluse who still thinks that Fawlty Towers  is recent?

21 OK, so if you are such a recluse, you will feel vindicated that Basil Fawlty is currently being manic in Torquay. But remember this: Not the Nine O'clock News  parodied Fawlty Towers  back in 1980, and it was old then!

22 It's easy to tell the ones who have never seen his Son et Lumiere show. They're the ones who sit down at the front "to get a good view" Believe me, you could get a good view by sitting in the next building...

23 KIM, in the best spirit of fandom, has personally vowed to rip off the ears of anyone who thinks that convention volunteers are coerced into participating. A tad extreme, but then I'd probably have to force you to agree...
24 and if you remember the song when it first came out, then you're older than you think
25 the second was "who are all the people on the convention committee? I don't recognise any of them", which largely nullified the first statement
26 The following statement is true. The preceding statement was false...
27 We cheated. We left both of ours with Allison's sister
28 Both? I hear you ask. Again for those who have just transited in from the planet Zog, I will state that Fergus was born (at home) back in February. Before this becomes another babyfestzine, I will just point out that Calum and Fergus have co-opted Tanglefoot the (remaining) Beer Cat into things. When it comes to sleeping, the three of them have a particular knack of taking it in turns. So, if Fergus has just woken up, only then is it safe for one of the other two to have a nap. Short of putting them all in a sensory deprivation tank, the chances of having all three asleep at the same time are remote...
29 also parodied by the William Shatner sisters
30 although Moulder and Skelly probably won't. Who? Internet hounds can track them down on our Web site, proving that I sometimes doupdate it...